Someday, Jamal Khashoggi enters Saudi Consulate and…

Almost everyone in the world has followed the news about the death of Jamal Khashoggi, and still does. I wanted that all of us to see these news with Zaytung’s difference. You know, I’had shared three times the news of Zaytung with you a long time ago. The motto of Zaytung, that has satire and humor news: “Honest, impartiality, immoral news.” Zaytung made a lot of satire news about Khashoggi murder. I’ve chosen some of them(because I do not have too much time), and I’ve translated them into English as much as I can.

Also, do you know, Saudi Arabia criminalized humor, 5 year prison term for posting satire to social media in September 4, 2018, my earthling friends? The administration of Saudi Arabia needs to understand that even if they think to prevent everything as much as they want in Saudi Arabia, they cannot prevent all over the world. Someone in another place on the planet will continue to criticize their management in the most beautiful way, so by satire and humor. However, if they think that there is no such thing as bad advertising, it is an another issue, haha!

And here some Zaytung news about Khashoggi murder.

Breaking news…

Saudi Arabia: “Friends! To keep the memory of Khashoggi in everywhere in consulate, by separating himself into pieces…”

Breaking news…

It was announced that the wireless contact lost with some of the police officers who entered the Consulate of Saudi Arabia for making search. At the Istanbul Police Department anxious wait continues...

Photo news…

Photo news….

Panic in Saudi Arabia, that needs to get billions of dollars weapons to smooth Khashoggi murder over from the United States again: “There is no place left for putting airplane in the country!”

News…

Saudi Arabia shared the images of the giant meat grinder, which the Jamal Khashoggi accidentally fallen into during the melee at the consulate….

Really, it is a great misfortune

Saudi Arabia Foreign Minister Adel Al-Jubeyr, at a press conference, shared his sorrow due to Khashoggi’s death and said, “It is a great misfortune that a simple melee will end in such a terrible way. When he was pushed, his foot slips and accidentally falls into the giant meat grinder that is running at that moment; but the machine kept working. It’s really incredible, but once if human’s time comes to end… Anyway, again sorry for our loss.”

Machine was dismissed

While Jubeyr was emphasising that the machine was dismissed and brought to Saudi Arabia, he said that after then the trial, the machine will probably face the penalty of death. Also by adding, “This punishment will send a strong message to other meat grinders. We also made the necessary warnings to our staff. Henceforth, it is strictly forbidden to scuffle and joke around these machines. There will not be even a small concession on this issue,” he gave messages to ease to the world public.

Photo news…

Khashoggi’s stuntman, Al-Medeni: I’ve offered to enter the meat grinder instead of him, but Mr. Jamal didn’t want to use the stunt…

Photo news…

News…

With Khashoggi murder, Turkey which reaches good ratings in world wide will release the rest of the investigation for a fee on the internet…

…The Presidential Spokesman stated that they are working on infrastructure works of a Netflix-like platform with the subscription system that about to be completed. In addition, he gave the good news that the channel will begin broadcasting also in British and Arabic very soon on InvestigationHD.Turkiye.Gov.tr, web page.

While spokesman was saying that those who want to follow Khashoggi investigation can get the latest information and shocking images before anyone for a small fee like $ 5 per month by subscribing to the channel, also added, “Believe me, you will not regret. Because we have more weird informations. I can tell you the images we watched so far is nothing. What they did with the body, what happened at the farm, the shock images from the trunk of the vehicle, all of them and more are coming in investigationHD!”…

Photo news…

Photo news…

…….

If there would be another Zaytung news about Khashoggi murder in future, I will add them too in here, my earthling friends. 😎

 

 

Some Zaytung news

I had made two posts before about Zaytung news. My Earthling friends already know what are Zaytung news. But for the others I should make an explanation about Zaytung. Zaytung is a Turkish web-page which is making humor, black humor and satire news. Zaytung banner has got these terms about itself “Honest, impartial, immoral news.” But sometimes, some real events can occur that can be equal with Zaytung news. And for them there is describing in Turkish as “like Zaytung news”. And here some of Zaytung news for last weeks.

While speaking the state of emergency, coup attempt and crisis, the belief about entering 2017 of Turkey which started to talk about the mobilization now, is getting weaker.

After President Erdogan’s announcement in today, the citizens who found themselves in the conversations about mobilized, are confused. The hopes of the millions who are trying to finish the year of 2016 which is passing as thorny, are getting weaker, also the expectations have been drawn back the level of the watching the new season of Survivor.

The last days are not passing

Turkey which has been living in the state of emergency for a while, said hello to the mobilization agenda as of today. Citizens, who have succeeded to reach the middle of December by fitting the events which can be experienced in 30 years in any country on the world, into 11 months, they are trying to prepare themselves for a forever life inside of 2016, while losing their faith about the finish of 2016 at the last remaining 15 days.

Inception syndrome

While the experts call this situation ‘Inception syndrome’, Turkish Psychiatric Association President Ayhan Oztunca listed the relevant determinations as follows:

“Honestly, when asking “how long the state of emergency has been resuming”, the people cannot give a clear answer. How much time has passed since last year is blurred. The brains of some of them spread their lives in 2016 to 20 years. Please test yourself immediately, at the begining of 2016 Ahmet Davutoglu was the prime minister. Did you remember, the smiling man with the glasses. You couldn’t remember, could you? Well, how many explosions have been into last 1 year? Or, when was the airport attack? You couldn’t remember these either. That’s normal. All is being because of overloading. We live in the same 1 year like in inception. As a result, many of our citizens are beginning to be sure that they can not leave this year. As if it’s always 2016, and then it’s like it will be…”

…

New year’s good news from government: Salary will be putted on all citizens who have arrived safe to 2017

Turkey, which is preparing to leave behind a long year full of terror, war, coup, assassination, work accidents, fire, natural disaster and murders, is preparing to reward its citizens who have reached 2017 from 2016. Arrangements about “to entitle the veteran to those who have succeeded in reaching to 2017”, which were regarded at the present meeting of the Council of Ministers, will be discussed in the Assembly in the coming days.

The Government Spokesperson pointed out that a citizen who is living especially in metropolitan areas and leaving home in morning also returning to same home in the evening in a single piece into the process we go through, is a success that can not be underestimated. “We have decided as the government, it is the best way to give Veteran title to those who have got achievement motive. They deserve it in any case, ours only give them credit. Let’s see actually, there are 10 days or so, but my wish is that as far as possible citizens can get this title.”

According to the information received, it is planned that the citizens who reach 2017 will be separated into three main groups.

“Group A Veterans” for those who survived as injured from accident or disaster while being direct target,

“Group B Veterans” for those who survived without injured while they were at the area while the event has been, and still in shock,

“Group C Veterans” for those who were not at time of incident, but at the next one have the high possible at there,

“Group D Veterans” for those who are not being into these three veteran groups as the lowest level. The salary grade will be arranged as A>B>C>D.

…

Turkey citizens are looking for ways with a proper language to transfer the situation to the mainstream media which is still unaware of the images published by ISIS last night.

While the images that were published by ISIS last night and alleged belong to the two soldiers who were martyred in brutally, are creating a bomb effect on the social media, it also brought discussions on the subject that was not be reflected inside the mainstream media in any way yet. Citizens who noticed that the media is not yet aware of the images that almost all of Turkey has talked about about whether it is true or not since yesterday, are looking for a way to express the subject to the media in a proper language.

Instead of strangers, they should hear from us

While the discussing about “to say accustomly, or is it better to say it suddenly?” is continued in social media by citizens, another argument “we wouldn’t say ever and the media would be never upset” come out. But this argument was objected with “if the media will learn the news from others it would be bad, at least we are not strangers to their feelings”.

The opinion that has attracted supporters the most fans so far, has came from a twitter user. He said the following statements in his tweets:

“Those who live near the media buildings go the media by getting some cologne and antianxiety pills. They would try to tell the news to them accustomly without much worrying. Even those who have the opportunity should go in company with the health officials. As a result, some of the journalists may have heart problems, blood pressure problems, or something. God forbid, we would not receive the painful news from them.”

While the support is rising to these proposals, among the news there are the news about the citizens are starting to organize through the social media for visits to media buildings.

…

Latest news:

>Offering assistance to Russia which lost the airplane, from Turkey: ”We can impose the publication ban…”

>The explanations from TTnet(Turkish internet service provider) on the reactions about slowed down of the internet speed: “If the ones who turned the torrent on would turn it off, it will become fast…”

>Turkey that is tired of terror, hopes to break the vicious cycle with natural disaster…

>TUIK(Turkish Statistical Institute) announced that Turkish men’s complaints about pre-ejaculation were significantly reduced after the slowdown of the Internet…

>The meaningful explanation of the mass who burned the Russian flag five days ago, pre-visit to the embassy: Definitely that was Holland flag…

> While Turkey is not able to enter Twitter with the measures taken following the assassination of the Russian Ambassador, the mystery of all statesmen passing the condolence message from Russia on Twiter can not be solved…

>For those who have not lost their mind yet, the year of 2016 have been extended for 3 months by the decree of the law…

…

The news were quoted from Zaytung, its link:

http://zaytung.com/index.asp

 

 

 

 

 

To fulfill the accession criteria of EU

Before, I had shared some Zaytung news with you my Earthling friends. Firstly for the new ones, I should explain what Zaytung news are. Zaytung web news site is giving false humorous and satire news in Turkey. These news are fun and false but even some times some abnormal things would happen in Turkey that people use for them “it is like Zaytung news”. In last years this describing has been using too often in Turkey. So we can say that some things can be abnormal for the rest of the world but in Turkey same things are very normal. 🙂

As I have made before, I will give the real Turkey’s agenda news, after I will add the Zaytung news which is related with news.

Except Syria refugee crisis, economic crisis and terrorism and politics, Turkey’s most important agenda item for the last 4 weeks was about a killer. Atalay Filiz who is Turkey’s first serial killer, was wanted for 4 weeks. He is well-trained, took post graduate at France and speaks well foreign languages more than one. All denunciations in Turkey were reported to the police, tv programs have pursued the man in live broadcasts. There was not a serial killer than before Turkey! That’s why it was very excited. Almost 75 million population of Turkey was looking for Atalay Filiz. He was seen latest in city of Izmir, and even Greece police has been put on alert for his escape suspicion to Greece. Eventually he was caught last weekend. When he was arrested by the police officers, the officers have taken a selfie with him. Yes, these happened and true. 🙂 Now here is zaytung news on the subject.

Atalay Filiz, who is our first serial killer in the Western sense, has gave a hope to Turkey for right to participate of EU

EU membership of Turkey which has achived an educated, presentable and systematic working serial killer who Turkey has been longing for years, has been revived. EU Minister of Turkey, Omer Celik stated that they will bring the subject to the negotiating process and he shared Turkey’s new EU vision with the words of “In the worst case, we aim that this event is to be accepted instead of human development criteria of EU.”

Historic opportunity

Atalay Filiz who came to the fore at agenda of Turkey with series of murders he commited in Ankara and Istanbul, couldn’t escape the attention of Minister of EU of Turkey. EU Minister of Turkey, Omer Celik who stated that they carefully examined the subject, first began his talk by wishing the mercy of God to the victims, said these words:

“But I believe these citizens who murdered by Atalay Filiz, they did not die in vain. How our people lost their lives in our War of Independence, or due terrorism, how they sacrificed themselves for this country, these citizens in the same way. I look them as martyrs who given their lives in accordance with our EU vision. Because you know, this type killers are very rare, they show up in the high development level places like Europe-America in generaly. Of course also for the emergence of a serial killer, some ones, at least 3-4 people need to record as victims on this road they sacrificed… I hope I told what I meant.”

Serial killers are not in every country!

EU Minister of Turkey who underlined that even if some full member of the EU countries like Slovenia or Bulgaria yearn for a serial killer in this standart, continued his words:

“When they told me Atalay at first, I said that okay; if it needs an education, yes he has! If it needs a type, yes he has! If it needs an unsettling calm in his eyes, yes he has! He is quite different from our understanding of traditional killer who kills own family with a moment of insanity and after delivered himself to the nearest police station. In this sense, Atalay Filiz is an example who satisfied the need of human development criteria of EU accession negotiations by himself. If EU is even little bit sincere, they will not ignore such an example. Now, the ball is in EU’s court…”

Preparations are being completed

Lastly, EU Minister of Turkey, Omer Celik said that they prepare the necessary documents to move the issue to the European Union. After that he stated that they would enter into a coordination working with the Ministry of Interior to catch the serial killer in an appropriate standard of security forces…

Following the press conference, the Ministry of Interior issued the tender on the official website. According to tender, the needs:

-Hannibal style iron mouthpiece

-An African American partner who will be given next to the police commissioner to follow serial killer

-A sufficient amount donuts for patrol

-Far eastern forensic experts who will be in the background at the scene

This news can be true in a day? Yes, it can be true in a day at future. This place is Turkey on the planet Earth, and there is almost no normal event in political sense in here 🙂

And, some other Zaytung news:

In the context of the ongoing US investigation about Reza Zarrab, prosecutor Preet Bharara submitted new documents to the court. 8th grade report card of Reza Zarrab inside the documents were joyfully greeted in Turkey. In his report card it is seen that kiddie Reza Zarrab failed history and religion lessons; and he passed the class with decision of school board despite he took E from math, German language and Turkish. But this gave a hope to millions students of Turkey. The students said that “Despite this report card, even so can be very rich, wow!”

…

The reply for Erdogan’s letter to Putin, came from the Kremlin:

“We made plane from the letter paper and threw the window. It didn’t fly bad actually, but it is not a SU-24 of course. Anyway, you pay the compensation anymore…”

…

While the high school students protests are continuing almost entire country, Kuleli Military High School students who turned their back at graduation ceremony had been shock with the commander’s order “about face!”

…

Thousands of people came together in Bayrampasa Central Mosque before Euro 2016, they made the funeral prayer in advance for the ones who will lose their lives especially due to terrorism, natural disasters and other causes and possible our martyrs over the next one month. The citizens who expressed that they will not be too much interest in such matters during Euro 2016, they turned back their homes at peace which was brought their last respects to the martyrs, after they chanted slogans condemning terrorism.

Quotes were taken from: http://www.zaytung.com/index.asp

 

 

Latest news!

Again, I’d like to share some Zaytung news in my blog. You remember my another post about Zaytung, with the title “Some honest, impartial and immoral news!” In this time, I will share the some of Zaytung’s “latest news” with the real news which gave the inspire to them by adding.

–Real news: Germany had said “there are some intelligence reports about terror events and we close our embassy,”; and immediately after Istanbul suicide bombing had happened. And recently, Reza Zarrab was arrested by US.

Related Zaytung latest news: “After that Germany made intelligence mission of Turkey, and US made the judge, the bill about the assignment of the teachers of Turkey are made by England, was accepted unanimously at parliament of Turkey.”

…

–Real news: One day ago, Tayyip Erdogan went to US for visiting. And before this visit he made a comment about Reza Zarrab: “Zarrab subject does not concern us”

Related Zaytung news: Erdogan who said “Zarrab subject does not concern us” while he were going to US, he will try to bring subject to “Batman vs Superman” during his contacts at US.

…

–Real news: A Japanese who want to join ISID was caught at the border of Turkey-Syria by Turkish soldiers one week ago. Yes, this is the real news, and many jokes have been made in Turkey about this Japanese:) And this is his arrested photos, and it is also real. Also you know, there were the news about “ISID uses the Toyota” at last October.

Related Zaytung news: Japanese ISID sympathizer who captured at border is becoming the new advertising face of the Middle East branch of Toyota.

…
–Real news: One week ago, according to reported “400 ISID militants trained for attacks on Europe”

Related Zaytung news: 400 ISID militants who have special trained by ISID, they announce that they will fight against Islamophobia in the area of human rights until the day they will explode.

…
–Real news: At Istiklal Street in Istanbul Taksim, ISID suicide bomber exploded himself on 19th of March. And the people of Turkey have become that they cannot go outside because of terror fear with these attacks which happened in almost every week .

Related Zaytung news: President of Republic Turkey, Erdogan who visited the Taksim square with 1000 guards of himself and closing the all road to Taksim, gave the message “there is nothing to fear”

…
And here another Zaytung news apart from “the latest news” of Zaytung.

You know, my Earthling friends, first Israel made a call second USA gave the order to the own citizens for turning back to homelands. This Zaytung news about this subject.

After that USA, Turkey also warned own citizens: “You find to yourself kind of inflatable boat or something like that.”

The news about American military families will evacuation from Turkey resounded in Turkey. While the concerns of the people of Turkey are increasing with the news like that; in a statement from Interior Ministry of Turkey, everyone was asked to be prepared to escape against a potential danger.

The statement has included these words:

“Our citizens who are residing in inlands, they should approach to Aegean slowly. Not rush, we shouldn’t draw attention too much, step by step we should move to west stealthily. Our citizens who are residing on Aegean coast would have sailed already, until the people at inlands come to west coast. And they would wait, if nothing happens they would turn back inside of country. But if they would see any smoke at land they jump the boats too. It is no laughing matter!

We take our measures, we stand at attention to the west borders. If nothing happens, we would turn back. Extra security measures don’t hurt anyone. The right decision is to empty the country for a while.

Also, most ideal location in our minds for placing the administrative levels of Turkey is North Cyprus. So, we are shutting down the country for a while.”

qutoes from:http://www.zaytung.com/index.asp

Some honest, impartial and immoral news!

“Honest, impartial and immoral news” is the slogan of the Zaytung which is most popular humor web site in Turkey.

Zaytung news seem always absurd but mostly contain satire. The opponents in Turkey share Zaytung news on social media often. The news Zaytung made are not real in reality, but these news make lampooning over the events what really happen.

In meantime, I should add that there are some events happened in Turkey that the people of Turkey cannot really understand these are Zaytung news or not.:) For them, describing “As Zaytung news” is used among the people.

The link of Zaytung: http://zaytung.com/index.asp

Anyway I hope you like these news like me, here is some of Zaytung news:)

–These two are about Turkey-Russia crisis. You know last two days there are the news about Russia made second border violation to Turkey with war plane:

“Netherland Prime Minister Mark Rutte said Vladimir Putin with anger: “I don’t know it is about the similarity flag or not, but they have attacked to us again! Are you happy!”

“After second Russia border violation, Netherland flag has changed. This is the new Netherland flag.”

–The disagreement among Turkey and Russia came out about the subject of the groups which will attend Geneva Conference for refugees crisis, for represent of Syria. While Turkey government says “we cannot accept the some Kurdish groups,” Kremlin was saying “they should be at there”. This Zaytung news is about this:

After the showdown, Andorra that the only country which will join to Geneva talks, is confused: “What was the issue, bro?”

This news details contuniue like that:

“As understood from the mutual statement, Andorra which its attends will never bother the anyone has stepped up the researches to understand what the issue is in Syria.

Minister for internal affairs of Andorra said “I’ve found myself unexpectedly at Geneva, and as first impression that we suspect some unpleasantness events in Syria were lived .” And he added:

“It is obvious there are some things, if the invitation came to even us… According to social media news it has been said there is a war… We will keep anymore. I’d want that they should be face to face, but it seems difficult. Look at these, UN, NATO, USA, Russia, UN Security Council, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Syria, YPG, ISIS end etc. For the sake of God, we are very small country! Which unscrupulous wants to pay us the bill! They skin us alive!”

–This Zaytung news about Turkey’s good(!) relationship with the other countries:

Peru that hasn’t been subject for Turkey into last 12 years, opens course about “how I hid myself from Turkey” within UN.

The details of this: Peru that succeed to run away during last 12 years(12 years is this government period) from the radar of Turkey which has the potential to have problems with almost every country, gets into act. Statesmen of this succesful country will share the secrets of living in peace without being subject by Turkey, with members of UN.

“We want to share our experiences” said Peru’s foreign minister continued his words: “We invite all countries the course that we’ll open. In return for insignificant fee, we will share some formulas which will make comfortable to each country far away from Turkey’s radar for years.”

–This Zaytung news about freedom speech(!) in Turkey:

TUBITAK (Science and Technical Research Council of Turkey), has developed system that can detect 4 minutes ago from the insulting to the president Tayyip Erdogan

TUBITAK ongoing scientific work without a break, finally run the systems that can detect up to 4 minutes before to insult to Erdogan. So far the best result for half an hour delayed insults were detected, henceforth the insults can be prevented by identifing 4 minutes in advance…

–This one about refugees crisis:

With 4000 years old sunken-ship which was found near by Mugla city coast of Aegean Sea, the refugees tragedy from Mesopotamia to Europe came out the light.